Sunday, August 8, 2010

the choice

how do i get over you,
how do i forget what we
had? i need to accept,
that, you made your decision,
your choice. now i must
move forward, without you.
i guess, comfort, in a way, can
be found in that, in a parallel
universe, you chose the other
choice, and we are together, and
right now, we are holding

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

What's going on

songs of you flutter throughout
my mind, reminding me of
you, of us together. they bring me
back to the memory of the
hope i once had, but when the
music ends, so do i.

your image burns in my
heart and screams in every corner of my mind, the brief moments we were together feel more real in memory than all the time we've been

to feel the touch of you again, to
smell your brown hair, embrace your presence and melt at your smile,
now are all fleeting hopes, disappearing, like stars at the dawn.

Goodbye, my almost Love,

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:State St,Madison,United States

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Good energy

Yesterday someone told me I have good energy. That meant more to me than I ever thought. I'm sitting on the lake shore on this beautiful windy day and even though things in life are crumbling around me I still feel positive and empathic.

- Posted from my iPhone

Location:Sherman Ave,Madison,United States

Friday, June 4, 2010

The day that Nya died.

This is a post I made to facebook a couple days after Nya, my daughter, died... I am posting it hear because even though i am nothing in sight of the rest of the people on this planet, this was my world and I post it for the future so they know that she was here and when she was here she was absolutely magnificent and beautiful and brilliant and when she died she was missed...


Sunday, 20 September 2009 at 13:46

Paco and I had to rush Nya to an emergency vet clinic in the early morning hours on Thursday, Sep 18th, 2009. Around 1:30am that morning, Paco noticed she was behaving strangely and that she had crawled herself into the bath tub, something she’s never done before. He woke me up from bed because he was very concerned. I knew something was wrong when I had asked her if she “wanted to go outside” and didn’t see any response in her, not even a flinch. She's usually uber-excited, wildly wagging her tail when she hears those words. We checked her gums, which were pale and white and she was having difficulty breathing. According to the internet, these were signs that something was seriously wrong. Around 2:30am, we called the emergency vet clinic on the west side of town and immediately drove her there. The vet told us that she had an acute bloated stomach which had twisted, causing massive internal damage and bleeding. There was nothing we could do; we were not able to save her... At 4:30am, in the loving embraces of both of her daddies, she fell asleep and peacefully passed away…

This all happened so fast and so unexpectedly, the reality of it all hasn't even begun to sink in, yet... I mean, when Paco and I got back from her evening walk around 11:30pm that night, she was so happy and playful… There was no indication that anything was wrong or any proclivity of what was about to happen… We are both, still, really shaken up and are left very sad, angry and confused. She was so young and so full of life… How am I going to live my life without her?

When Nya and Paco finally moved to Madison to live with me a month ago, I was so excited to have our family together again. I felt complete, with a whole new perspective on my relationship and a fresh outlook on my life. But now she's gone, and the wound left in our hearts is one which I don’t believe will ever heal. There are no words to describe the pain and loss both Paco and I are feeling right now, and I don’t imagine there ever could be... She was so very unique and wonderfully special.

One of her most favorite things to do was to chase squirrels up an old oak tree in Tenney Park, in Madison. Around and around that tree she would run, momentarily dashing away to the neighboring trees in a feeble attempt at fooling those squirrels into thinking she had left for good, only to return a few seconds later, thinking she would surprise them all with her silly cleverness… Miss Nya, you lived your life with loyalty, enthusiasm and a spirited personality that lit up a room and made everyone who met you fall in love with you. You were grateful for every little thing we did for you, no matter how small or large. And you rewarded us with your doggy smile, occasional paw to the groin and with the privilege of tossing your favorite toys which you dropped in our laps.

I will miss snuggling with you at night in our bed. I will miss our quiet mornings together. And I will miss the way you greeted me every time I came home from work, like I had been gone for years and years, when in fact it had only been a few hours. Without any words, you changed my life from one of self-misery to one of pure joy. You brought so much happiness to our lives... Your demand for structure and play gave us challenges to face and goals to look forward to. You were the glue the kept our family together, vibrant and full of life. I just can’t believe you are really gone... I love you so much, honey-bunny and I’m going to miss you and remember you until the day I die. More than anything else, I’m going to miss our walks, and the way you perked up your tail whenever I would sing our walking song, “Who’s got the bestest Nya in the world?”… I do.

Monday, May 31, 2010

The soul is never complete alone

I believe the human body is too small to contain all the energy that exists in a single soul, consciounes, whatever you want to call it. So that means we are never meant to go through existence here alone. We are meant to find our other parts of ourselves, our partners. If that is insufficient then continues in family, children, reaching backwards and forwards in time. Sometimes chaos or randomness of the universe intervenes and we lose or never meet our partner or lose our children. Human physiology makes us feel pain but it is only temporary. When the body dies we rejoin our whole self and rejoin the whole universe.

- Posted from my iPhone

Location:State St,Madison,United States


Music is nothing but a collection of frequently and different energy eaves of sound that, when they hit the matter of the inner ear are transformed into electrical impulses that the brain interprets as pleasant or not. In the whole of the universe nothing as extraordinary as that moment when the collection of chemicals released affect the emotion of the crature. or is it? What would it be to exist as energy? Energy never dies it is only transformed. This means that my beloved daughter, when her body died, her unique energy signature left the body and rejoined the universal energy which connects all matter, all energy, everything seen and unseen. Though the emotion if loss and suffering keeps me trapped in the moment she died, in a way I never left that vet clinic. Fucking time lines and fuxkkng not able to go back and save her. This universe this eistence sucks fuk it all! She was the best thing that ever happened to me she brought me out of isolation and showed me that I had the ability to be selfless and strong. Now here I sit without her and only her memory. I should take comfort in that she does still exist somewhere outthere and may even have been born into physical form again able to help another creature. I miss her so much though.

- Posted from my iPhone

Location:State St,Madison,United States

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Remembering where I come from

This day has been a really emotional day. I've been at my parents farm with my sister and her fiancé a friend from school. They're bailing hay. I forgot how much I missed the smell. My mom gave me my grandmothers lass ring which she said my grandma wanted me to have. It's soo funny that to all of them this is just another weekend on the farm but for me this is an incredibly emotional day. But it's nice to be reminded that I am still part of this family and the only thing keeping me from this is my own stubborn emotions and thoughts. It's nice.

- Posted from my iPhone

Location:Pirkel Ln,Jefferson,United States

Sunday, May 23, 2010

The inner brain

The inner brain and inner peace. My tooth and jaw I starting to ache cuz of a cracked tooth and fallen out filling.

- Posted from my iPhone

Location:N Baldwin St,Madison,United States

The new doctor

How do I feel about the new doctor on doctor who? He's ok.

- Posted from my iPhone

Location:Fordem Ave,Madison,United States

Saturday, May 22, 2010


Eating at a restaurant with some friends. It's nice to be out and social again. Today is my 3 year anniversary with my partner. Wow three years. I still love him.

- Posted from my iPhone

Location:State St,Madison,United States

Friday, May 21, 2010

What's in a toliet

A rose is still a rose given any other name... But would it smell as sweet? Not in a toliet.

- Posted from my iPhone

Location:Heartland Trail,Madison,United States

Monday, May 17, 2010

should we always bust out in song?

i think, why not? do it.

Second post

This is my second post. i'm not sure what to write. i'm listening to Glee as i listen to gay speak and happy ending with straight boy and love with him. whatever. yea.

What is Glee have that I don't?

Singing and gay. And Ms Pillsbury. She's funny.